The Memory Book of the Marauders
by KF182
Summary: CHP 11 IS UP! Can you be trusted to keep these lethal secrets? Can we induct you into the Marauders' Circle of Trust? Do you have the courage and endurance to read these hallowed pages, which have not seen the light of day for years? Then read on!
1. The Oath

**Disclaimer: Haha, yes I'm fabulously rich because I own this stuff, yet here I am living with my parents? ;-) Don't own it.**

**Warning: Absolutely stupid, pointless, but funny fluff. You're warned.**

**The Memory Book of the Marauders**

OK. Apparently, I'm the only sane one. So I got elected to do the melodramatic intro.

This is the Memory Book of the Marauders. We decided to keep this journal-thingy so we could always remember what idiots we were back in school. We're starting off right now, in fifth-year. As it's the first week of school, we have three years of hell (I mean fun, of course) to go through. I'm Remus, by the way. And you're crazy for reading this far.

Not really sure what else to say…Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to swear you to secrecy. You're about to read the innermost secrets of the Marauders. I mean, this is important stuff. Like how we discovered that Peter still wets the bed, and that when Sirius sleeps you can do pretty much anything with him. Seriously (no pun intended, so be quiet), he sleeps like a rock. Heck, if he didn't walk and talk, he could be a rock. That's about his intelligence level.

Oh. Sorry. Supposed to be swearing you into the Marauding Circle. So, repeat after me…

"_I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,_

_and I will uphold the traditions and laws_

_set down by those that are way better than me._

_I will never repeat the hallowed secrets I learn here,_

_And I will never, ever, ever follow the rules._

_Laughing is strictly forbidden,_

_Unless you're laughing either at Peter or laughing with us,_

_And not at us._

_You will also never, ever think Snivellus is a gorgeous beasty._

_He's just a beasty._

_Mischief Managed,_

_Remember the Marauder's Code,_

_And keep this classified information in the Circle."_

OK. You're all sworn in, so now Sirius will get off my back and James will stop running around screaming, "It's my turn to talk!".

Moving on…I would also like to add that these are caffeine and absence of medicine induced events and I never encouraged them. I'm the good kid! (Shut up, Sirius, and put down the pillow.)

I just have to warn you…Any feelings of complete hatred to Snape and disgust for Pettigrew is completely normal. These side effects will never, ever go away. And you will always secretly think that I am way more wicked than James and Sirius.

Yours in mischief,

**Remus**

**I know it's short, but it was kinda hard to really stretch out this part. Review, and maybe, just maybe, more will magically appear…To excite you & motivate you to review, James' entry is next! ;-)**


	2. James and the Atomic Explosion

**Disclaimer: No way.**

**Author's Note: Dedicated to ShadowMoony for pronouncing it hilarious. You are quickly becoming one of my favorite people. ;-)**

Dear Memory Book Thingy,

Hello MBT! I'm James Potter, and everyone loves me.

Well, maybe not everyone…But whatever. I'm going to tell the story of Sirius Black and the Great Atomic Fireball. For those of you blubbering idiots who don't know what it is, it's a sort of Muggle sweet. It's kind of like our Acid Pops, 'cept it doesn't burn a hole through your tongue. Anyway, Sirius has always had an intense aversion to the wizarding version of these Fireballs. Absolutely HATES them. That's probably because Sirius has a very sensitive mouth.

OUCH. God, Sirius, if you would stop reading over my shoulder you wouldn't have a problem with what I'm saying! And beating me over the head with your Arithmancy book does NOT help.

Anyways. Sirius turns bright red and starts screaming when he tastes one of the Acid Pops. So naturally, being the good friends we are, we've tried to slip ole Padfoot one of those suckers many a time. I mean, you have to admit- Slipping a sucker to a sucker? Classic.

OW! God… Violent dog.

So Sirius has become quite wary of any food we offer him. Good reason, too- we never offer food freely. One time, we hid an Acid Pop in a block of Remus' chocolate. In true idiotic Sirius-ness, the guy bit into it. Honestly, how thick can you get? We have to practically surgically remove Remus from his chocolate, and when he gives Sirius some the stupid guy doesn't suspect a trick? But forethought isn't exactly Padfoot's forte. You should have SEEN the shades of crimson Sirius turned! Beautiful sight… But that's not the particular memory I wish to etch into this grand book. (Which, by the way, was fully my idea! Ignore Sirius and Remus, because they're trying to steal my thunder!) I just thought I should give you lot a bit of background information!

All right. So it was last year, when we were young, trusting fourth-years.

Don't give me that look! We WERE young, so I got it half right. Whatever.

We had pretty much given up on the whole Acid Pop thing. That was so second-year! But, Remus for once came up with a pretty good idea. Rems, Peter, and I were hanging out in the common room. Lucky Sirius had detention with Professor Nichols. She's gorgeous! But, I'm focusing! Remus just comes up with this grand idea, out of the blue. It was his proposition to feed Sirius the Atomic Fireballs (note the plural!) during the day, in a public place. Great, isn't it? My idea was to stick them in his mouth while he was sleeping, but Remus wanted EVERYONE to see. Plus, Sirius is notorious for sleeping soundly. I've tried (multiple times) to prank him as he slumbered, but the guy is way too wary for that. He puts security charms on his BED. Isn't that odd? But it's true, I swear. I've tried to get Remus to help me lift the spells, but he always said no. I never thought that Moony would come up with such a bloody brilliant plan. But old Remsies was rather keen to get back at Padfoot, 'cause Sirius had charmed Remus secretly over breakfast the day before. Remus walked around school with a halo on his head for hours! Priceless! I even managed to wrangle some pictures. I plan on selling them once Remus is all proper and mature. As if he could ever get more proper and mature. You wanna buy some?

OK, Remus is reminding me that this is not the time to add a shameless plug to sell embarrassing photos to the masses. Too bad, 'cause I had some great ones of Sirius…

Well, let it suffice to say that Remus was being especially crafty. He and I took over the planning logistics. Peter didn't have much to say, but that was probably because I put a potion in his soup at dinner. At the moment, he was seeing all of us as good-looking girls. So that would account for the gape-mouthed expression.

So we waited under my Invisibility Cloak until Sirius crawled up to bed. God only knows what "punishment" Nichols had him do… He was dead tired, and we saw him feel over on his bed. Remus pulled out a sack stuffed full with a supply of Atomic Fireballs left over from last year's Halloween. He waved his wand, and the Fireballs took on the appearance of a few pieces of chocolate, wrapped in red. Remus also added some of his own chocolate, which was tied up in Honeyduke's traditional blue. Remus' idea was to be eating the real chocolates when Sirius woke up the next morning. Remus explained that in the early morning, Sirius' defenses would be low. A practical plus to this was the fact he'd be gullible. When Sirius saw us eating, Remus bargained that he'd get hungrier by the second. It helped that we hadn't pulled the Acid Pop trick a months.

So the three of us slipped into bed. Remus, who wakes up at the STRANGEST times, promised to get me and Peter (who was still staring) up before Sirius' usual time. Not that it was a big problem, because Sirius has a habit of sleeping as late as possible. So we slept, and I dreamed of Sirius' face when he started eating the "chocolate". It would never work with Acid Pops, because Sirius can smell them now. I know, more weirdness. But that's Sirius for you.

Remus got us up 10 minutes before nine. The three of us, Peter included because he had finally recovered from the spell, jumped into our robes and hurdled down the stairs. You would have thought Sirius might have woken up with all the noise we were making, but nope. He is a sound sleeper. So we got into the Great Hall and took up our spots. We stuffed our faces with the blue chocolates. Hey, it was early and we were very hungry!

Sirius entered the Great Hall about seven minutes after we had taken up our posts. We had pushed away the steaming plates of breakfast food. He heard the crackling of paper and stared curiously at us. After a quick, suspicious glance around, he relaxed.

"Hey, what are you lot eating?"

Remus grinned. "Chocolate."

"Really?"

Peter nodded. "Yup."

"Are you guys sure?" Sirius never has been very trusting. Kind of annoying.

"Yeah, I'm serious!" Peter exclaimed.

Sirius smirked. "No, I am." Peter looked confused.

"Look, Sirius, have some!" I waved the red chocolates under his nose. "It's dark chocolate!"

Now, Sirius is hopelessly addicted to dark chocolate. Some weird Black quirk- His brother is exactly the same about it. Sirius can't help himself when someone subjects him to the charms of dark chocolate. I actually witnessed him leave a gorgeous blonde girl for a slab of dark chocolate. I witnessed it because I'm the one that lured him away! That girl was beautiful…

Oh, great. Now Sirius is roaring about how I ruined his young, fragile life. As if that trick wasn't completely transparent. You would think that someone who gets great marks would have a little bit more common sense. But, I'll finish my story and then beat him up…

So once Sirius had heard there was dark chocolate in the room, he proceeded to shovel the tiny candies into his mouth. I'm thinking that he had about ten in there when he realized something was off. He said,

"Guys? Are you sure this is dark chocolate?"

Our reply: "Positive."

So he chucked about five more in there. I could see Remus start to worry that maybe our friend didn't have an aversion to all spicy things, just Acid Pops. But I'd noticed that he pushes away any dish with jalapenos in it when we have Mexican food back home. So I was still pretty confident.

Sirius had two more chocolates in his hand when it happened. Conveniently, we had moved away the pitchers of pumpkin juice. So when Sirius began to grope and gesture for a glass of juice, we were only able to shake our heads sadly. Of course inside we were dying with laughter. Sirius was moaning so loudly that people from our neighboring table were starting to stare. Sirius already had the attention of half the hall, and it was only just beginning! Remus had explained that the candy would be mildly hot at first and only intensify as long as the eater kept it in his mouth. Sirius had about fifteen of these things in his mouth, and there was no way he would ever ruin his perfect, handsome image by spewing the things across the table.

"Waffee! Waffee!" That is exactly what Sirius screamed as the combined powers of fifteen Atomic Fireballs burned inside his mouth. We shook our heads politely.

Now, even the Slytherins were starting to take notice. Remus was pissed, but not THAT pissed. So he conjured up a hat.

I know. My reaction was the same at first. What the heck was Sirius going to do with a black bowler hat?

Apparently, spit fifteen Fireballs discretely into hit. Not a pretty sight, I assure you. But Remus, being the good boy, managed to save Sirius before greasy old Snape saw the entire thing. Not quite sure if he would have been able to view any of it from behind that slippery, knobby nose of his. Ugh, I can't STAND that guy. Or girl. He'd make a great girl…When Sirius stops tossing pillows at me; I might take that up with him! Capital idea, I applaud myself. I really am spectacular.

All right, I'm getting on with it…

Even after Sirius had ejected the offending cinnamon treats, he still continued screaming "IT BURNS!" He ran madly out of the Great Hall. Everyone turned to follow his insane dash through the milling people. Then, they predictably swiveled to stare at the three of us. Namely me. I looked at Remus; he looked right back at me. We had planned this moment in advance. I had thought that Remus would want to get up and take credit for this achievement (outsmarting the genius that is Sirius Black), but his bookish personality took over. Remus refused to get up and do our closing speech. So I pulled myself onto the wooden bench and grinned at everyone. I remember my speech perfectly:

"Now, you all are probably quite curious as to why the great Sirius Black just tore out of the Hall. And naturally, you turned to us! And as respectable fifth-years, we few indebted to you to explain the disappearance of our friend, whom many of you ladies –and maybe a few guys! —Find quite handsome.

"Now, instead of explaining our latest prank, which would waste hours of my valuable time and give you lot too close of a look at us Marauders, I have a better idea. I will show you."

I smirked.

"Or, actually I'll give you."

At that moment, I bewitched about one hundred and fifty of the Atomic Fireballs to zoom through the air and hit people. Once they made contact with a person, they would drop into their unsuspecting hands. Remus and I were smart enough to hightail it out of there, because the teachers were starting to look angry. We had just caused an army of red candies to swoop down on the entire student population, and a few professors. But, whatever.

As students stuffed the candies into their mouths, you could see their varying degrees of sensitivity. Lily for one turned bright red and ran out of the Hall. Personally, I thought that she was so hellish that the fieriness of a simple sweet would never affect her. But it did, to great effect. Once Lily had fled the scene, I turned my eye to the teachers. None of them had tried the Fireballs.

Remus was practically dying from laughter. I followed his eye and saw that Snape was doing some sort of dance on top of the table. I believe that he was attempting to mime for water, which no one would give him. Nobody likes a greasy little Dark boy.

Well, that's my story. There's hundreds more, of course, but Remus said just one at first. I had a hard time choosing between this one and the time we vanished all of Peter's robes and other clothes. All we left him was a Styrofoam cup! That one was Sirius' idea though, and he's probably going to slap me or something equally stupid.

Oh, now how about those pictures of Sirius? Any takers?

**Like? Hate? Adore so much you think you're going to explode and you have to review dozens of times because you believe me to be such a genius? Well, I'd settle for one review per adorer. ;-) My idea for this is that I'll give Sirius, Peter, and Remus (in that order) a chapter for their memory. By then I'll have 5 chapters up. At the end of the last entry, I'll ask everyone whether or not I should do another four chapters. I have dozens of ideas, but I want to write something people like. Feed me with feedback, please.**

**ALSO: Mucho thanks to every reviewer! I wrote this last week, back when only ShadowMoony had reviewed this. I've started the next chapter already, so watch out!**


	3. Sirius and the Duck

**Disc.: Blah, blah, blah. I'm on my meds right now, so I know that this ain't mine.**

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Well, I'm Sirius Black. Gorgeous, intelligent, hilarious- and that's only what the guys say about me! So what, I'm confident. If you want a prime example of pure conceitedness, check out James Potter. That guy is the definition of cocky. But, of course, we love him. 'cause he'd bash in our noses if we didn't. For some reason, he doesn't do that to Lily. Interesting… I'm rather upset! How in the world can he make exceptions for that duck and not me? I am way prettier than you. Er, I mean her. Oops.

Well, Remus knew that this was going to turn into some wacky rivalry between James and me. He's right. James didn't even give you lot the whole story on the Fireball thing. Honestly, I didn't "run" away. I charged manly out of the room! There is a BIG difference. But, anyways… Remsies told me that we shouldn't start exchanging stories for revenge. He's got a good point. I mean, we might just start using this for personal gain 'stead of the whole noble "writing down our memories'. Remus is smart, and he knows what we're capable.

But since when have we listened to him?

So, I'm going to enlighten you unschooled barbarians. Consider this as a crash course in Advanced Prank Revenge. I plan to take you through the steps of the grueling planning process that creates an ultimate prank. It's hard; it's long. There's late hours involved and little food. In fact, I'm already going grey!

OK, Remus told me that I need to stop with the "exaggerating" and stuff. I'm really not exaggerating… Well, I am a little. But it's an addiction! Anyways, here's my story of revenge.

T'was a cold, stormy night. James was lying peacefully in his bed. Peter was making that weird, snuffling noise he always seems to make. It's a cross between a sneeze and snore, with a little whining mixed in… Oh, and Remus was dreaming contentedly of either a boundless library or my utter demise of the earlier morning. I prefer to think it was the former, but I know it was the second. He swears he was dreaming of the perfect mocha latte. Like I'm really that naïve and idiotic!

So I lay there in agony, desperately trying to devise the perfect trick.

Unfortunately, James has no allergies. That really limited my options for total embarrassment. My laxative shipment hadn't gotten in yet. (The dwarves have to smuggle the crates in; it can take months.) So that was out. I briefly considered some sort of physical comedy. Keen to play on James' odd clumsiness, I toyed with that notion for quite a while. But the only defect was that James could make even the worst fall look like he intended it for a laugh.

See my problem? I thought that James was invincible, and nearly surrendered.

Then I remembered.

James is deathly afraid of ducks. It took Remus and I about two years of solid begging to find out the reason. I mean, fear of ducks is kind of odd. What is he, a quackophobic? I can slightly understand being afraid of geese, 'cause they can get nasty. But I personally find ducks amusing. It turns out that when James was about four, his cousin came to visit. This cousin (we can't give names in case he sues, some obscure law that book-worm Remus uncovered) was just starting out learning the basics of magic. He did an Engorgement Charm on a stuffed duck to show off for his little cousin. So things started out fine, and James was entertained. Until the cousin lost control, and transfigured the duck to life. I guess having a giant duck stomping on all your toys with gigantic, orange webbed feet can't be a picnic. Now whenever James goes to a park, he runs in fear from the feathery little quackers. It takes FOREVER to get him to the lake. But, moving on.

So I decided that ducks were to be my medium. I just had to find the right canvas for this golden idea. There was plenty of options- setting giant live ducks on the Great Hall was a personal favorite. But I didn't want James to pass out from fright or anything. I thought about resorting to a more pedestrian mode of torture and just make ducks pop up on all of James' books and parchments. But that was too simple. I'm a Marauder, for God's sake- I had to come up with something big.

I had a few ideas that were good, but they were too advanced for me. For those spells, I needed books out of the Restricted Section and a learned wizard's help. Remus' interference in James and my self's war was a one-time thing. Plus, he just wanted to get me back. So anything above my level was impossible. The only other person who might have helped me with that would be Lily Evans, and even I wouldn't do that to James.

See how hard this is? I'm breaking my back just to recount the details as accurately as possible!

Finally, I came to my decision. I would bewitch James' sight so that everything he saw was a duck or part of one. In example, if he saw a person, he wouldn't see their head. He would see a big, yellow duck head! I was so excited about my trick. It wouldn't be terribly hard, because the only thing to spell would be James' sight. He would spend the better part of a morning twitching and screaming as he saw people, books, and chairs… Everything would become a duck! So that my trick didn't interfere with his schoolwork, the duck heads would still speak in English. Before you think me generous, realize that if I hindered his schoolwork, I would get into trouble. I don't mind going to detention on a worthy cause, but James is not one. Not his duck paranoia, anyways.

But I couldn't leave this all to James. I quite liked my giant-ducks-invade-the-Great-Hall idea, and I wanted to use it. But I would employ it on a much smaller scale and with a little twist. I rose from my bed and set to work. I had a spell to craft.

It was three in the morning before I could sleep. I hid my project in a giant Army surplus bag. Before you ask how an upstanding British gent could obtain this Muggle, American object, hush! It was a gift from one of my distant cousins. She's traveling in the US and sent it to me for a laugh. It's quite handy, actually. I'm just hoping my mum never finds it…

I got about five hours of sleep before bright-eyed Remus bounded over and brutally shook me into the conscious world. Let's just say that Remus had to take a nappy after I got through with him. But don't worry; there wasn't any lasting damage! James looked just as irritatingly wide-slam awake as Rems, but he knew better than to approach me. I'm never a morning person, so my odd reaction to Remus was seen as average morning grumpiness coupled with my anger at the Fireball Incident. James nodded to me and wandered off, heading for the window. I shook my head to clear the cobwebs and my hair from my eyes. I needed to be fully alert for the bit of magic I was about to perform. I snuck behind James and tapped him on the shoulder. Just as he turned, I hit him full-force with a quick charm. That was the easy part. Next came the Memory Charm, to obliterate any remembrance he might have of this event until after the duck charm had worn away. For most people, memory charms are easy. But I have been hit with so many in my childhood that I seemed to develop not only a immunity to the charm itself, but some sort of educational block when it comes to learning them. But, obviously, I can do them quite well when I want to. James wished me a happy Easter with a blank, odd expression on his face and fell over. Now that I look back on it, I think I may have overdone it.

I hoisted James up, grabbed my Army bag and cloak, and dashed for the door. I screamed at Remus, "James is drunk again!", and ran. It was my turn to take care of James when he got "drunk", but I couldn't do it. See, every once in a while, James comes in tipsy as a top. Remus and I had by then developed a system of trading off who has to take care of the idiot. Heck, James looked drunk enough for Remus to believe me. But it didn't matter in the long run. You could call it my payback for Remus helping James out.

After a quick breakfast, I had noticed two bent figures slipping into the Hall. It was Remus and James, and they clearly were trying to be discrete. I masked a laugh when I saw Remus' hand clasped over James' mouth. James had looked around franticly and tried to scream. The spell had worked!

Remus had come up to me and asked me in desperation for help. I looked up at him mutely. "It's your problem," I had said. "It's your turn." Since Remus was never one for the whole short-term memory thing, he obviously didn't recall that just last week he had cleaned James up after an all-night party in the dungeons. Remus glared at me and tried to explain the problem. I had held up a hand and left. I didn't need to hear the problem; I had caused it.

After sending Remus an annoyingly courteous smile, I glided out the Great Hall door. James had screamed, "THEY'RE HERE!". Remus was alternately shooting me death glares and desperately trying to calm the frenzied boy down. I had a smirk on my face, and who could blame me? It's not everyday you get to see your "perfect" friend go psycho. The last sight I saw as I exited the Great Hall was Remus chugging a mug of steaming black coffee while James stared frenziedly. Beautiful.

Since I am the great Sirius Black, I was in (and have been since) Advanced Transfiguration. McGonagall had finally acquiesced and let me into the class, which was mostly compiled of students a couple years older than me. James, who is not the shiniest fork in the cutlery drawer, was not. Remus was usually in that class, but I had a sneaking suspicion that he had skipped class to try and help James. Remus, the perfect little angel, skipping class? Hell, that boy was born with a halo over his head! The fact that Remus hadn't showed for class was just the icing on the cake. McGonagall was droning on and on about some obscure spell that we'll never need, but I was occupied with the images of my revenge. At her monotonous "Class dismissed", I oozed out of the classroom. Older students pushed me through the door. As I was knocked from behind, I tumbled into the aforementioned angel.

"Sirius!" Remus called. I waved, and followed the flow of people to my next class, Charms. This was a class I shared with James and Remus, but I had no intention of walking with a bedraggled Remus and psychotic James.

You may think that I was cruel to inflict such torture on James, but that's not so. He had, after all, embarrassed me in front of the entire school and made quite a show of it. After Charms, we had the big showdown in the Great Hall. I was one of the first in, and Remus, James, and Peter were some of the last. I never did find out how Remus roped Peter into helping him, but I suspect threats were a large part of it. Remus glared at me. He did a lot of that for the next few weeks.

"Thanks so much for your help, Black," Remus muttered quietly. James' eyes were the size of a house-elf's, huge and bulbous. The tiny vein on his forehead was throbbing. It was at that moment that I felt just a tiny bit sorry. I still wonder if I didn't go just a little overboard, but that's how I do everything. Maybe that's why some people don't like me… Nah. Who doesn't?

Anyways. James gets settled onto his little bench, and everything's OK for a minute. Then his eyes get bigger and bigger, which I hadn't thought was possible. With a pop, a gigantic, feathery, sun-yellow duck with wide webbed feet is waddling through the Hall. The teachers, barring Dumbledore, look frustrated. I can distinctly hear McGonagall complain to the Charms teacher, "Those boys are interrupting everything!". Score.

The duck sort of danced its way to James, and I must was pretty impressed with myself. This was a fairly big charm for someone as young as me. But it's like all my teachers say- when I want to do something, I can do it.

The duck flapped around, showing off a bit. By then, people looked curiously from the duck to us. People talked quietly about seeing Remus stumble through the halls, half-carrying James. And at the Hufflepuff table, several boys discussed my odd absence from James. You'd think, the way they were carrying on, that we were joined at the hip or something.

Slowly and deliberately, my feathered friend trotted over to James. His mouth was open in horror. "NO, not the duck!" James screeched. Everyone began to laugh- The Hall shook with mirth, not unlike it had when I was humiliated. The bird reached out a wing and just barely touched James' head.

"NO!" James had roared, and sprang from his seat. He barreled out of the Hall. With a thin hand, Remus hid what was an unmistakable sigh of relief. I grinned happily.

"Sorry about putting you on, mate," I had apologized. He gave me a small grimace and waved a hand. I knew I hadn't heard the last of it from the deceptively crafty boy, but I was just contented with getting away with my prank at the moment. Peter looked vaguely befuddled, but it was only a minute before he got the joke. He let out a small giggle, which earned a withering glower from me.

As the entire Hall turned its collective eyes to me, I had a small problem. A speech, such as James', was impossible. I couldn't admit that I had turned the entire Hall practically into a circus ring. None of the teachers had looked terribly pleased, but I swear to this day that I saw a flash of smile in Dumbledore's eyes. I settled my pride by standing and giving the entire Hall a huge, beaming grin and a dramatic exit.

Well, that's my story. I hope I haven't made too many erroneous errors (get it? OK, maybe you don't). I have never done that much writing in my entire life. Peter is being lazy and saying I should write more so he doesn't have to, which of course, I won't do.

Bye, O Worshippers!

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**So, like it? I can't help but think that it's not as good as James', but whatever. Peter is next… Maybe… I'd do anything to come up with a reason to NOT write Peter's chapter, but whatever. I guess I have to…**

**REVIEW! Please?**


	4. Peter Gets Introspective!

**Disc.: Nope.**

**Author's Note: I'm sorry, guys! You all are now getting a full-blown, unwarranted peek into my "other" side. I'm a chronic procrastinator. Time-management is beyond me. You lot have been such sweet, faithful reviewers (I am not worthy!) and I can't seem to pull myself together enough to write you a measly couple thousand words. I won't use that trashy phrase, "I have a life outside here." because that's just being redundant! Of course I have a life outside this. But my problem is that I have no discipline, so I forget completely about this. It has nothing to do with my hating you all, absolutely not! I would like to take a moment to thank my lovely reviewers! I especially appreciated your "reasons" against Peter's chapter, but I just can't skip over him. A blunt but adorable reviewer (who shall not be named… cough cough!) told me to just suck it up and get on with it, so I'll take that advice. I would feel a bit like the Sinister Sorceress of the South (sorry, couldn't resist a little humor based off the Wizard of Oz. Anyone get it?) for not putting Peter in. After all, he couldn't always have been horrible, since the other guys did take him in… So, we're done with this pathetic little vendetta (would that be the right word?) and now to get on with my little story.**

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Memory Thingamajig,

Well. I'm Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew.

OK, James says I have to drop that whole macho undercover attitude and tell a story of his bravery, daring, charisma, and good looks. I think that's overdoing it a bit, but who am I to say? Can't argue with Mirror Man, as Sirius says.

Remus says I have to pick a memory and write it down for "the unenlightened generations to come." My writing isn't as good as theirs, so I'm a little nervous. Plus I couldn't decide on a memory. I mean, isn't that horrible? These are my best friends, and I have no idea what is the most important memory I've had with them. It's been weird, that's for sure. Seriously, I'm thinking. OK…

I guess that I'd have to pick… Well, the first time I met them. James, Sirius, and Remus had already "teamed up" on the train. I was just that kid you always forget, and I guess I still am. I'm just the friend. It's odd, but I'm over it, because I figure I'm pretty lucky to have such great friends. By the way, James is blushing now. Don't tell anyone.

So I admired the three of them from afar. It was early December, and pretty much no one had noticed me. They always seemed to be having such a good time, it was… Well, it was pretty daunting. I just tried to focus on school, because I'm not terribly good at that. McGonagall especially seemed to dislike me… In fact, she still does. But whatever.

As I slogged through the work, I often found my gaze turning towards the three boys I admired so much. Other than Remus' almost ghost-like appearance, everything seemed fine. They were happy, and I wasn't. You can imagine how hard that is, seeing everything you want come with ease to them.

But that's not the point. Remus says to keep this light-hearted, so people don't notice anything amiss. He's paranoid about anyone finding out his secret… Wait, I wasn't supposed to say anything about that! Ignore it, please, so the rest of them don't kill me. Anyways, back to Remus' idea that this should be "happy". That's kind of hard, but let me try.

It was just a few weeks before Christmas. Snape, who had already become a steady enemy of James and Sirius, was coming after me almost daily. He just loved venting his greasy little frustrations on me, since I never stood up for myself. I would get cornered just about anywhere- broom closets, empty classrooms, and deserted halls. But never in public, because Snape seemed to think that Sirius and James would come after him. He said that since I was a fellow Gryffindor, they might come after him for revenge. I never thought that there was any truth to this, because they were so above me. Still Snape was cautious and protected himself as well as possible. Even though he was just an oddball first-year, he hadn't gotten into Slytherin for nothing. He had been raised in Dark Arts, and he wasn't a complete idiot. So only Remus noticed my odd injuries. I remember one conversation,

"Peter? Is that blood?"

"Oh… Yes, a nosebleed. I was in the Astronomy tower."

As I recollect, Remus paused suspiciously. Perhaps he knew of my obsessive (and impairing) fear of heights. But in the end, he just frowned and said, "All right." I exhaled in relief, because I'd rather suffer in silence. I'm not that pathetic, I hope.

That was November. As Christmas approached, I noticed the entire trio, but especially Remus, watching me. Snape was furious, because he thought I'd snitched. So while his beatings were infrequent, they were worse. It had gotten to the point where I didn't even think of defying him. I'm not sure if I could have.

It was after dinner, on a cold night. Snape had gripped my arm and pulled me off to the side, demanding to know why James had been following him. I didn't know, but when I said so, he slapped me. I thought that I would be beaten until I fell unconscious, but he never hit me again.

With a slight whoosh, James and Sirius appeared. I noted that Remus was there also, although he stood towards the back. He still doesn't like to get into fights. Anyways, so James and Sirius advanced on Snape. Just when Sirius was raising his fist, I called out for him to stop.

Yes, I said stop.

I couldn't let Snape get beaten. Hell, he deserved it! But it wasn't important to me, not then anyways. Because I knew that soon, my saviors would forget all about me. And then Snape would punish me for having them retaliate. It would only result in me getting hurt more. Not even Remus would remember Snape and me in the morning. At least, that's what I thought.

Now, it's easy to see why I thought that. They seemed to have completely forgotten about me. So I went on with my business. Snape didn't bother me. Unfortunately, that didn't last long.

It was a week later when Snape attacked again. Some may think that Severus Snape is just a coward, and not prone to out and out brawls. Well, you're right. It's a well-known fact that Snape was (and is) a bully. He fights those who don't fight back. But I'm not justifying how I didn't ever hit him; I'm just stating the obvious fact. Now, I might have hit him. But then, when he cornered me in desolate places, I had no idea that fighting back would have effectively stomped on the entire thing.

It was the empty hall in front of one of the Transfiguration rooms. The sun's light was almost completely gone. Snape had started in on me, that time he used some wand work to complement his punches. The whole beating was winding down when one of the doors slammed open.

"Stop," commanded a voice. It turned out that Sirius, James, and Remus hadn't forgotten all about me. They advanced forward, and just like last time Snape backed away. He was furious, and I saw that. But that time I didn't stop them from beating him to shreds, even though he would hate me forever.

What I remember next was Sirius slinging an arm around my shoulder, and James half-dragging me up to the common room. Remus held back on the fringes of the group, but I guess it's to him that I owe all this. I'm pretty damn lucky, or so James is always telling me.

My memory isn't funny like Sirius' and James', but I never have too much of a part in those pranks. Their memories are so bizarre; you might think it never happened. But all those pranks, they really did occur! I notice that they aren't talking about their "darker" jokes, which is interesting. But, back to me. It's easier to act all befuddled and confused, 'cause then the teachers never can pin anything on you. I'm smart enough to have gotten that figured out, even if it's not exactly the noble way to do it. Oh well.

So they've been my friends since then. It hasn't always been great or anything, and I'm not too excited about when we graduate. It would be nice to just stay this way, to always be such close friends… After all, these guys are pretty much my "saviors". Even if I am the butt of a LOT of jokes.

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**Ack! I don't hate Peter or anything, but I had to type that quickly. It's horribly short, and I hate, hate, HATE that. But I can't make it any longer… Sorry this entry isn't drop dead hilarious… But I just can't stand making Peter a total idiot. He had to have had SOME sense, you know? But, lucky for you guys, I like this story a LOT. Therefore, I plan on carrying it on a bit after what I had originally planned… Lucky dogs. :**

**Remus is next… Fun, fun, fun. I'll update ASAP.**


	5. Remus Is Thwarted

**Disclaimer: Sir, no sir!**

**Author's Note: Enjoy, ye faithful!**

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All right, confession time. I did help Peter a bit in his chapter. He did not quite understand what he had to do, so once he finished writing I edited it. Grammar, spelling, and other mistakes- that's all. But you all can't seriously think that I would let something Peter wrote go unproofed to the masses? I not that stupid, God…

Well, my memory was not that hard to chose. Like it has been mentioned, I don't get to far into the pranks and goings on of our idiot savants in residence. For those you of less bright children, I mean James and Sirius. They live for havoc, but I'm just a tad quieter. However, Sirius would testify that when I do get involved in the "jokes", they're pretty damn good. But that's another story completely, and James wouldn't want anyone having a bigger ego than him. He doesn't take to well to competition.

Or, apparently, a little joke. He's a violent person, as he just demonstrated… Have you noticed that there's been a lot of physical violence going on as this book progresses?

God, I was the one who suggested this, and here I go, off track…

The memory. I chose a personal favorite- Sirius Black's first attempted conquest. And let me tell you something. It ended up FAR different than I planned. I am about to reveal a secret that James and I never, ever, EVER thought we'd tell. Pretty much just because Sirius can throw some mean hexes when you've got your back turned. Even if it didn't turn out so bad, in the end. I'm hoping he's above such petty revenge now that we're old and wise, but I highly doubt I will be that lucky. So, to get on with the story- It was early in our second year that Sirius first saw what he professed to be the prettiest girl alive. Her name was Braughn Wood, and everybody was enamored at first sight. Well, everybody but James. By then he had found his "soul mate", a girl he still has yet to win over.

There he goes again with the violence! Tsk, tsk… Can you say "anger management"? Clearly that five-week summer course Sirius and I sprung for last year did NOT help Jamsie at all…

OK, back to Sirius. The minute he saw Braughn, he about died. For about a week, he just went around staring and drooling profusely. I believe that he was attempting (there's that word again) to be sneaky and discrete, but those two words don't exactly fit our Sirius. We all could tell that any moment now, and the Black "charm" would kick in. We even bet on it- Peter, surprisingly, won. He got it straight on, but whatever. So Sirius had started to talk about Braughn, a Ravenclaw girl in our year, and how he was going to "get her". I had gotten to know Braughn a bit better than him, considering that I had actually spoken to her. I knew immediately that Braughn was out of his league, and that on the chance he did convince her to date him, he'd hate her. She was very, very smart and liked the less flashy guys. Being the superb friend that I am, I would have usually shared this nugget of information with Sirius. However, we had just gotten into a slight disagreement over what qualified as "personal space". So I didn't really feel like helping him out at the moment. He wasn't on my top ten friends, per se. Heck, Sirius was not even one of my top thousand favorite people. That sort of thing happens when SOMEONE (hint… hint…) leaves his or her dirty laundry all over the neighboring bed. That bed, in this case, was mine. Sirius never seemed to be a big fan of cleaning and organizing.

Sirius stewed over various plans that only I knew were destined to fail. In fact, Braughn hated Sirius with an almost unjust passion. Probably because he had dumped her cousin at the end of the previous summer, to "play the field". Not a smart move, especially because that particular girl was quite pretty and nice. Unlike some of the girls he's "chosen"…

Anyways. Where was I?

Oh, yes, Sirius' plans. He finally, with some help from James, chose his final scheme. This was about two and a half weeks after he first met "the girl of my fantasies!". His phrase, not mine. The end result of all this work was a singularly idiotic plot to make Braughn fall head over heels in love with our self-professed "eye candy". The finer details had not been quite tweaked and smoothed out, but Sirius was eager and conceited.

Oh, let me clear something up quickly. From the way I talk (or write) it may seem that I positively despise Sirius and James. That is not so. They're great, if not a tad bigheaded. You get used to it though, but it is quite fun to mock them about it. That's all.

So James was just as excited about the latest romance. He had figured that if it worked for Sirius, it might help him with the unattainable Lily. Once again, that's another story. The bottom line is that, at first, James was quite keen to help Sirius out. That is, until Sirius started getting a head the size of an advertising blimp. The plan was this: Sirius would begin to send Braughn secret love letters, very romantic stuff. At the end of this poetic affair, he would declare his identity right before our first Quidditch match. A match that he, as Sirius had constantly reminded us, would be Beater in. His position much suits his rather bullish attitude towards everything, if you don't mind me saying so! The plan in itself was beautiful, another gem to add to Sirius and James' collection. It was sweet, kind, and outstandingly noticeable. In other words, it would draw attention to Braughn. That was something that this girl never liked, for whatever peculiar reasons she hid. The odd thing was, Sirius might have succeeded. If all had gone as planned Sirius had a chance of convincing the girl that he really was a sweet guy underneath a cocky exterior. But Sirius was just a little too buoyant about the whole deal, and James and I hatched our own plan.

James had joined my side shortly after the first letter was sent out. His complaint was that the letter, which James had written the majority of, was giving Sirius "notions". Judging by James tone, I would have had to say that the boy wanted to stuff those notions down Sirius' throat. Sirius had bragged to the whole common room (in typical flashy style) that he was getting his girl. And there was no mention of dear old James in that little brag-fest.

Tsk tsk, Sirius! You shouldn't have gotten your partner-in-crime angry with you. I'm sure he sees that in retrospect.

So James and I set to work. We didn't want to prank, embarrass, or mock Sirius. Well, not publicly, anyways. James and I devised a plan to switch Sirius' letters to Braughn in secret, trading his romantic ones for plain, blank sheets of paper. Our original idea was to switch the letters for odd, disturbing ones, but I refused. Sure, I was mad at Padfoot, but not THAT mad. Since Sirius' first note was a simply a drawing of a small heart, we didn't have to worry about smoothing the transition from loving to blank notes. The best part? Sirius would never know. He would simply think that he was sending his letters to her (by owl). But I would charm them at the last minute to erase his writing. You might think that this was a weak joke, but imagine it. What should have happened was this: Sirius planned to hand Braughn one last love note right before the Quidditch match. This one we would not erase. Sirius' idea was that he had built up to this point, so whatever he wrote would be pretty romantic. He also planned on making a short speech, revealing himself as the secret writer. Now, either Braughn would piece together that the blank parchments were the so-called "letters", or she would think he was crazy. The whole thing was banked on the fact that she was a bit high-strung and prone to overreacting. James and I had the feeling that someone would be playing Quidditch with a bruised face.

This was personal. I had to take action! You guys understand, right? Anyways…

So we switched the first letter. And then the next, and the next, and so on until the day before the match. Sirius was walking on air, but James and I were still silent as stone to his face. Underneath that rocky exterior, we were about to explode with laughter. Sirius would bounce back after a bit of sulking, so this wasn't as big of a deal as it sounds. We followed our doomed friend out to the field, and hurriedly changed out of our robes and slung on the Quidditch uniform. James and I followed Sirius out to the Ravenclaw benches. He waited a moment, and then turned to Braughn and a pack of her friends. He had a huge grin plastered across his face. We hid ourselves behind a group of muscular Slytherins. James and I had watched Sirius with our own grins beaming. But then, things began to go wrong…

First off, we saw Sirius check his pockets frantically for his letter. It wasn't there. Later on, I deduced that he had just accidentally left it in the common room. But by then, it was too late: the game would start soon, and the house elves had probably already begun their cleaning.

Without the letter, we knew that the joke would lose some of its punch. But Sirius still had his speech to make, and that would hopefully be enough. We listened so hard that I can actually remember most of it:

"Braughn?"

The Ravenclaw turned coolly to Sirius and just stared at him. Sirius seemed to have taken this as some form of encouragement, because he went on.

"It's me that's been sending you those parchments." Sirius had paused there for effect. He continued, "The moment I saw you, I knew you to be the prettiest girl alive."

The monologue goes on, but it was there that Sirius started to add in some of that Black charm. I can't quite remember the middle bits, but I can recall his ending: a grand, sweeping bow.

The girl had just sat there, completely confused. "You've been sending me those papers?"

"Yes."

"You, Sirius Black?"

"Yes." He had just then started to tremble.

Braughn raised her eyebrows and looked fairly surprised. "I can't believe you listened so well…"

James' mouth had dropped open.

"…I mean, not every guy would have listened to what I said in class so well. I can't believe you heard me talking about needing more parchment!"

"Wha-" Sirius made a miraculous recovery. "Oh, yeah! Yes, that was me."

I know what you're thinking. Too perfect! But isn't it weird how that sort of thing always works out? A very happy Sirius received his kiss and ran off to win the Quidditch game. James almost knocked himself out, but then quickly regained his senses and made some spectacular moves. I just sat and watched, because I get sick a lot and can't play. Sirius, back in the common room, would tell anything stationary about his "girl". Braughn and Sirius dated for two months before he dumped her. Never did tell us why, but we figured he had just gotten bored. (Short attention spans seem to run in the Black family.)

James and I officially renounced meddling in Sirius' business. We had learned our lesson, or at least I had. James couldn't keep his vow for more than three weeks. I've since learned that Sirius is FAR too lucky, and that luck will probably never run out. I wouldn't be surprised if he outlives us all, and becomes Minister of Magic with twelve children in tow.

I guess it's not really obvious as to why I chose that memory. I'm not positive either, actually. It was just the first thing that came to mind. It is kind of funny, if you step back and think of it in Sirius' perspective. And I guess we really did get what we deserved. But don't worry; we got Sirius back for everything eventually… Bet you want to know what we did, don't you?

You'll just have to wait, because I've got homework. Or, to be specific, James has homework and he's screaming murder for some help. The way he's carrying on, you'd think giant wielding an axe was chopping him down…

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**Ha. Done. Review. Please!**


	6. Sirius Temporarily Takes Over For James

**Disc.: No…**

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Well, James is sick. Some weird strain of the flu that not even Madam Pomfrey can cure yet. Remus is looking mighty smug, which is suspicious to me. So since James is out sick, Remus is wrestling with a stack of laundry, and Peter has been locked in the fourth floor girl's bathroom, it's my job to write the next chapter. Even though it seems like I JUST wrote one. But the mighty Sirius Black can do anything! No, kidding…

The next memory I've chosen to relate to you lucky dogs would definitely have to be the time Snape dressed up like a girl. That was absolutely the BEST, and don't worry- James is "involved" with this one too. I figure I might as well take advantage of his…. Er, inability to be here and exploit it for my own sick pleasure. So for all you people that haven't run off, here's the story.

Now, I was looking dashing as usual on morning last year. James, being twisted with jealousy, decided to choose that particular morning to be EXTREMELY clumsy. Several small accidents ensued, the most hideous being his slip-up in the Great Hall. I swear that boy saw the patch of water on the floor! But that didn't stop him from spilling a rather large bowl of porridge all over someone.

Me, of course.

Well, I threatened the usual punishment. You know, being drawn and quartered. But that wasn't enough for little Jamsies. No, I had to get fancy. I employed Remus' help very sneakily.

"Remus, what would be the most terrifying thing for James?"

"You mean other than being attacked by a mob of angry ducks?"

"Yeah."

"Probably Snape turning into a girl and then chasing James around."

Oddly specific, wasn't it? Well, I took Remus advice but added my own personal touch to it. Instead of Snape chasing James around, I reversed it. The first step in my lovely plan was giving Snape the appearance of a rather ugly girl. I used the Morphius Potion, which takes two weeks to brew. It requires several deadly ingredients and a bezoar to balance it all out. Plus a few other things, like a girl's hair, a scrap of pink cloth, etc.

So two weeks after the porridge incident (which James, having an exceedingly small mind, had completely forgotten), I then pondered the question of slipping Snapey some. Finally, I employed my command of female volunteers to sneak a bit of the potion into Snape's pumpkin juice. For this task, I selected Marian Barlowe, a pretty little fourth year from Hufflepuff. Long brown hair, dark eyes, and dumb as a doorpost. But, she was quite happy to help me out, for a little price that I won't name here. It's not quite suitable for you youngsters!

Anyways, so Marian tipped a bit of the stuff into Sevvy's drink when his back was turned. She positively flitted away, and I waited for Snape to gulp it down. For a second I thought he wasn't going to at all, but he downed the whole thing. I had another long, agonizing wait 'cause the potion takes a moment to set in.

But just as Snape was gliding out the Hall door, he started to bubble. Yes, bubble. Despite my expansive and impressive vocabulary, that is the only word I can think of to describe that moment. He bubbled and looked around the Hall in horror, but it was over in just another minute. Then his appearance twisted, and there was a small bang. As the swirling pink mist evaporated, all my hard work was rewarded. The sight of a female Snape clad in pink robes, purple heels, and a gorgeous violet-feathered hat will be with me to my dying day… Beautiful!

Snape screeched. And he began to speak, but it was in a decidedly girlish voice. I personally have to pause and commend myself for pulling that lovely trick off… But the fun is really just beginning! One minute, James was roaring with laughter like everyone else and stretching to see the girly Snape, and then he was slack-jawed and wide-eyed, muttering about "the prettiest girl I ever saw!". This is just a testimony to my greatness!

Well, Jamesy drooled over Snape-The-Girl for about two hours. And then the potion really started to kick in- James was sneaking all over the castle. It was quite a sight, to see the second most sought after boy (first being me, of course) chasing this hideous guy. Or girl. Whatever.

Remus had been shooting me "the death look", but I had mistaken its meaning. Naturally I had thought that Remus was angry with me for doing this to both James and Snape, but I was very wrong. Remus was put off that he had veritably handed me the perfect scheme on a silver platter! Remsies was not in the best of spirits about James, apparently because James had been foolish enough to try and copy Remus' Charms test. Trust Remus to get that worked up over something as silly as a test…

Remus and I chatted briefly as we "wended" (his word, most DEFINITELY not mine) our way to class. Remus explained that James had last been seen throwing himself at Snape's feet and clinging to them for dear life. I would get the chance to confront the kid about that during Transfiguration class, which was our joint destination.

As we walked into class, I noticed James with a blank expression on his face. He was doodling on a scrap of paper. He would draw the letters "S.S." and then get a confused, angry expression on his face. Then, he would furiously blot the bit of writing out, only to inscribe it minutes later.

It's a beautiful and terrible thing. My mind, that is. Anyways, Remus and me tumbled into seats next to our beleaguered friend, who sent me a look that contained daggers, flames, not to mention several grenades. "YOU!" he roared. "Sirius, what-" He twitched and scribbled down "I love Sev!" and then continued his thread of thought. "WHAT did you DO!"

"Nothing but allow you to realize your greatest dream!" I taunted. James had thrown himself at me, and screeched like a dying hyena.

"Gee, James, how would Sevvy feel if she knew you were cheating?" I remember sending James a particularly scathing smirk, to which he replied with a slightly calmer glare, accompanied by a rather crude gesture.

"Damn you, Black," he said slowly. "I hope you burn in hell."

"Why, I don't think that dooming me to my mother's house is going to solve anything," I smiled brightly.

I think that James would have murdered me then and there, if two things hadn't happened in quick succession. First off, McGonagall marched into the room, which thoroughly squelches any sort of rambunctious activity. And James was seized with a fervent desire to write "S.S. and J.P. Forever" with a rather pained expression on his face.

Well, let me be frank here: I hightailed it outta that room! James was stalking after me, but looking as if he was torn in two- I think the potion was tugging at him to go find Severus. Thankfully for James, that particular magic would wear off in just one short hour. Remus and I took our sweet time wandering up the stairs to the common room, happily reminiscing about the various tales that happened to be circulating about the castle. According to a gaggle of seventh year Hufflepuffs (not exactly a reputable source, but whatever), Dumbledore himself had pronounced the trick "good, strong magic" and then hurriedly added that it was "also completely immoral and quite wrong on the behalf of whoever brewed this potion", but that was just because McGonagall had jabbed him with her wand.

Snape had been reported to have stormed out of the Slytherin common room, followed by a lot of general jeers and laughter. Then and there he had cursed my entire family, including my parents, brother, and my second cousin twice remove on my dad's side. That's a laugh; my family's been cursed for ages. We're the blackest of the Blacks, as my father so wrongly boasts.

But, moving on…

So as Remus related the news to me (Rems is a regular gossip mongrel, once you get him to open up a bit), I gave the Fat Lady her password and we stepped up into the common room. The few people in there stood and applauded me (I expect a medal any day now), for it was then common knowledge that the trick was my doing. Remus admitted to telling "a few people", which translates in Remus-speak to half the school. But I didn't mind, and still don't. James has gotten over it by now, but that's just 'cause he's been in intensive therapy over it.

So we threw down our books and trotted down to lunch, where we found James sitting on his hands, while Peter attempted in calming him down. Then, James pretty much handed me license to make fun of him for the rest of his miserable life-

"But every time I see him, my stomach flips over and I have to go throw myself at him! Or her. Whatever!"

Remus laughed and replied from behind the pair, "Sounds like true love."

James whirled around and glared at us. "Go and die."

"That's not very hospitable," Remus retorted sensibly. For his kindness, he received what should now be patented as "The James Potter Death Glare".

Lunch had continued pretty much like that- bickering, insults, screeches, and James staring at Snape and me. (Furious and loving respectfully)

Towards the end of lunch the potion started to wear off. This had resulted in James being able to keep his gaze away from Snape for elongated periods of time. Snape also began to take on a decidedly more mannish appearance, though I'm not sure if that was an improvement. But I don't think so. Anyways, James had also stopped threatening my death, and now was only warning me about losing limbs- which was a definite improvement.

That's pretty much it. Wait, I almost forgot- there was the little fight afterwards, involving Snape (who was completely normal except for a slight hint of pink in his robes) who then chucked himself at my feet and tripped me up. He then proceeded to try and beat the living daylights out of me, but he didn't really get that far before I hurled him across the room. Remus prowled the outskirts of the fight and James hung back, clearly fighting his instinct to sprint in the opposite direction. After all, he had just spent the morning hours lusting after a greasy guy.

Things returned to normal fairly quickly. Well, James received several jibing letters, and Snape attempted to take my life three times that week. But that's pretty regular, actually…

So, that's it. James is still pretty sick, so I wouldn't expect him next. Probably Rems will take over, since Peter has to do a detention tomorrow night. My fault, of course. But it doesn't REALLY matter, right? Anyways, the whole Snape/girl thing was one of my best pranks ever. Absolutely no consequences, other than Snape trying to kill me and James getting all fussy and mad. Dumbledore, I think, knew that it was me. But he seemed to think it was a big joke, and didn't do anything about it, punishment wise. McGonagall watched me like an owl for the next two weeks (or, actually, 12 months. But who needs to get nitpicky?)

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**Well? Please review and such. I hope y'all like it, just don't expect any more updates 'til Wednesday or so. Maybe tomorrow… If I hop to it. (Right…..)**


	7. James Seeks Revenge

Author's Note: Well! Over half a year later, and I'm back. I have no idea if I even have any reviewers left to write to, but we'll see. I promise that I will update more consistently now. Check back next Wednesday (April 21st), maybe. I don't know, but I WILL TRY to stick to or before that deadline. Give it some time, and I promise I'll stick to a schedule. Now, READ! And review, of course.

Memory Book,

Sick my arse! I don't know what has gotten into Sirius. He's getting a bit too big for his britches. This time, he decided to attempt a hex. Aimed straight for me! Anyhow, he screwed it up (as usual) and I had to be dragged to the hospital wing. As I currently cannot MOVE, I'm dictating to Remus. I couldn't let Sirius reach his ultimate goal. What was that, you might ask? Well, I'll tell it to you…

…in excruciating exact detail. HA, Sirius. The Mighty James Potter cannot be thwarted so easily, you gigantic pile of…. (Remus: Sorry. I had to edit that bit for your tender ears, oh fair readers.)

So one day, a few weeks after the four of us first met, the First Marauder Prank was acted out. Now, mind you, even though I was in charge of this bit of mischief, I was young. So don't get up in a snit about how… "rudimentary" this prank was. Capiche?

It was a wintry night in the dead, cold month of December. I, a dashing young fellow, braved the fierce, bone-chilling, soul-emptying, horrifying chill to stand atop the tallest of the tall, the great Astronomy Tower. I stood solemnly, casting my eyes over what I knew to be my own domain. I pondered over the many ways I could dominate this fantastic, lovely, wondrous, sweet land. I was the most supreme. (Remus: He's making me pay for editing out his vulgarity. I think I may gag over this flowery fluff he calls "language"…)

Anyways. So it was cold, I was on the Astronomy Tower, and I was thinking about Hogwarts. More specifically, the ways I could dominate Hogwarts and become a prankster to remember. You see, by this time, I was friends with Sirius. But soon after any "misunderstanding" we had over his less than honorable lineage, I realized that Sirius had many, many talents. I knew instinctively that Sirius Black was going to be my rival. And you, of course, know what pranksters of my prowess do to rivals. We demolish them.

At this point, my demolishing skills were just blossoming. But I even then possessed amazing powers of wit, cunning, and sheer audacity. So while the more mundane mortals might turn to the old tried and true tricks, I invented my own course of action. My own war plan, as I liked to think of it.

As I stood on the Tower, soaking in the feeling of imminent success, my mechanical mind turned to the exact machinations of my swift, fair justice. This was my plan: I had noticed that Sirius Black spent an inordinate amount of time preening in front of the mirror. This tidbit of knowledge had been carefully stored away for the day of reckoning, and it floated into my brilliant mind at this opportune moment. Mirrors, which had once been Sirius Black's best friend, were about to become his ultimate enemy.

See? Even at the sweet, child-like age of 11, I was completely in control of everyone around me! I am a MASTERMIND, I tell you.

Before I was distracted by my fantastic and awe inspiring intelligence, I was explaining the plan. It was actually very simple. Simple and fatal. Every time Sirius peered into a mirror to check (for the thousandth time) his glowing countenance, the mirror would display a rather disgusting sight: a large, protuberant facial blemish. Or, as I like to call it, a hell of a zit.

Now, you may wonder why this was better than actually charming Sirius' face to contain the aforementioned zit. Well, at this early stage, only a few people (i.e., Sirius' dormmates) knew that Sirius was disgusting obsessed with himself. And I was betting on a very volatile and hilarious reaction once Sirius noticed the mark. Oh, and also, Hogwarts had not yet been polluted (or, as I always say, "graced") with the Marauders' sense of enjoyment at utter social embarrassment. So, basically everyone else was too nice to say anything about a zit. Now, on with the "reaction"…

I performed the charm in the dead of night, crawled into bed, and dropped into sleep. I dreamt of a very happy day to come. My dream proved to be exactly right, much to my glee. Sirius awoke, and flitted (Remus: Sirius is NOT going to like that word…) over to the gold and gem-encrusted mirror. I was asleep during that bit, but I can fill in the gaps. I did wake up when Sirius let forth a blood-curdling screech.

"OH MY GOD!" he roared, in addition to some very creative expletives that I would have loved to print here, but Rems refused point-blank to ever even consider penning.

"What?" I said sweetly, slowly rising from my bed.

"LOOK AT THIS, YOU IDIOT!"

"Now, Sirius, no need to raise your voice to me!" I joined Sirius at the mirror. I, naturally, could not see any blemish. But whatever it was must have been absolutely horrendous, because Sirius had thrown himself onto the floor and was currently ripping out his now frizzy black hair.

"THIS!" And he jabbed the tip of his nose in a blind rage.

"Oh, my goodness! That's hideous!" I played along.

"I CAN'T LEAVE THIS ROOM!"

And for a while, it looked like all my prank would achieve would be Sirius barricading himself into the dorm for a few days. But McGonagall would have none of that, and after a well-placed blasting charm, along with several threats of writing to mothers, Sirius dragged himself out of the Gryffindor common room.

I saw him at breakfast. He shuffled dejectedly in, looking mortified. Of course, no one would have noticed if he had simply gone about his day as normal. But this joke preyed upon Sirius' vanity. Sirius had apparently had decided that he might as well be mocked for his entire appearance if he was going to be forced to endure a day with a zit the size of his fist.

Really, he was a sight to behold. His robes were on backwards AND inside out. He had not brushed his hair, and large chunks had been torn out. His face was pale and drawn. His eyes were red and bleary. He stumbled into the Great Hall like a drunkard.

Honestly, it was enough to make my heart leap out of my mouth.

Before you get all twitchy about me being so cruel, hear me out. Sirius and I were just friends. Not really Marauders yet. We had yet to become "brothers", you could say. So he was fair game at this point.

This was a triumphant moment for me! I had torn the Sirius Black from his pedestal, and there he lay, cracked and broken. And he remained their for the rest of the day.

That night, after a particularly tasty pudding, I decided (in my complete good-naturedness) to let the cat out of the bag and fill Sirius in.

Actually, I was only worried that Sirius was contemplating suicide, and that if he did die, I would get the blame.

But either way, I decided to clue him in. I marched over to the dejected soul, who was curled up in a corner. Remus, looking bewildered, was attempting to comfort Sirius. Sirius, looking humiliated, was blubbering about "that thing" on the tip of his "perfect, lovely nose".

"Hello there, my friend!" I cried cheerily.

Sirius glared.

"Well, I have a funny story to tell you, Sirius. I think you find it very amusing…" And I plunged in, telling the entire twisted, sordid tale.

Hang on! Remus just wrote down those words without my explicit permission! That ought to read this: "…the entire fantastic, inspired tale."

There we go. And Remus, it serves you right for trying to alter my recollection! (Remus: he somehow summoned the energy to batter me with his cast, despite his previous lack of mobility.)

Sirius looked blankly at me for a few moments. And then, quick as a flash, he attempted to take my life. This was the first time… I believe there would be about seven more times, to date.

Once Remus had pulled Sirius off me, and performed the Heimlich Maneuver to get the pocket dictionary Sirius had lodged in my throat out, I surveyed my work. Sirius looked both enraged and admiring. Perfect.

And then he said two words that sparked our entire warped friendship.

"It's on."

And the rest was history.

(Remus: Now, let me clarify something. I know that James seems a bit harsh, and also strangely detailed in his choice of words. James is actually quite intelligent when provoked, and Sirius did tick James off with the whole hexing business. But I guarantee that by the end of this week, they'll be back to normal: slapping each other's backs and guffawing at the "Kick Me!" signs.)

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Sorry it's a bit short, but I'm just getting back into the swing of things… Please review!


	8. Remus Tells a Tale

**Disclaimer: I don't own it!**

**Author's Note: Look at me! A full day before my deadline! However, don't get your hopes up about next week's update. I'm going out of town (leaving Thursday) and I don't get back until late Sunday. I have a lot of stuff coming up this week, so Wednesday or Thursday is looking likely for an update.**

SORRY. I accidentally uploaded the wrong chapter. The correct chapter is up now!

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Well. Since I, Remus, am the only normal functioning individual in our clan, I decided to actually write my segment. My first thought was to dump the task on Peter and have him write his bit. My hand is killing me. You may have not noticed, but James' entry was rather lengthy. And he insisted on keeping me up until one in the morning "editing".

James holds a grudge EXTREMELY well. He completely blames i me /i for his recent hospitalization. Don't worry. All James sympathizers (I wish a plague on all of you for encouraging his bloated ego!) will be pleased to hear that he is perfectly fine. Madam Pomfrey kicked him out after he took the whole "call when you need anything, sweetheart!" thing a bit to seriously. By the end of the night, Madam Pomfrey's shoes were in shreds from all the jogging he had her do.

It was harder for me to select this next memory… But eventually, I took Sirius' advice.

OK, you can pick yourself off the floor now.

Yes, I went along with what Sirius Black decreed. It is a rare occasion, but it has been known to happen. I usually regret it.

Sirius screeched, once I had finished my first entry, that I had not done enough "James-bashing". When I asked for a definition of "James-bashing", he looked at me like I had severe brain damage.

"'James-bashing'! DUH!" he moaned. "Seriously, I mourn for you, Rems. Don't you understand?"

And that was all he would say. He just winked; and said, "You'll get it!"; and wandered off to meet his latest girlfriend.

And eventually, I did get it. And I agree- in light of recent events. So here we go…

Unlike the majority of the events recorded in this book, my story will not be prank-related. And I wish I could show you lot how quickly the smirk slid off Sirius' face. He's sitting here next to me, practically bouncing. And then he realizes that no, my entry is not going to read like an advert for his achievements in the Make James Go Insane campaign. And yes, he did have buttons printed reading said campaign's slogan: "We're Out To Get James. Period." I suggested that perhaps Sirius should look into paying someone to come up with a better motto, and I got a button hurled into my head for my pains. My hairline has never been the same.

As I was saying before Sirius nearly keeled over, this is not a Marauder Moment, at least not in the traditional fashion. See, my point is that James very rarely has any troubles. Things come quite easily to him. He never has any problems getting what he wanted. That's probably the reason behind his friendship/rivalry with Sirius. They're both very conceited and spoiled.

So when James met the one person who defied him, of course it was a momentous occasion! It occurred in our first year at Hogwarts, just as we were all getting to know each other. I personally feel that this was an occurrence that deserves to be documented, and apparently, so does Sirius. (He now resembles a bobble head doll.)

We were, as I have said, in our first year when James met his match. Her name was Lily Evans, and at first glance, it was clearly a love/hate relationship. James did the loving; Lily did the hating. For a while James confined his adulation to a few semi-public events (such as that one time when he clambered on to the Astronomy Tower and created a shower of red hearts on Lily, who was sitting on the ground below). He sent weekly love letters. But that was pretty tame, considering what would come.

One day, James decided that it was time to kick things up a notch. Of course, once we heard his plan, both Sirius and I reacted in our own ways. Sirius gleefully encouraged James. I cautioned him. After all, even my limited (at the time, of course- I soon became an amazingly attractive "stud") experience with the opposite sex told me that no girl is going to want to wake up one morning and be followed about by singing minstrels. Unless this girl was the female version of James or Sirius.

Sadly, the caroling bards were only the beginning. James plan extended much farther, and it encompassed many other elements that caused Lily to become an object of ridicule. But the part of the plan that set her over the edge came at the end of the day, as she and the rest of our House, plus the Slytherins, headed out to the Herbology greenhouses.

It was just getting dark as the two Houses paraded out onto the lawn. James was grinning happily; Lily looked murderous. James' plan was to put the last step of his plan into action, and then step forward and reveal himself to Lily. She already knew who was doing all these embarrassing stunts, but James felt that it was important to at least pretend that she didn't. So Sirius hid James all day, and Lily's friends held Lily back when she attempted to murder James. Lily had been in a state of perpetual blushing all day. But until that fateful night, everything had just been in fun. Even in our first year, the entire school knew of James' quest to make Lily his girlfriend. The Slytherins had yet to really notice the events.

James winked roguishly at Sirius and I. I grimaced as James, encouraged by Sirius' jovial thumbs-up, waved his wand in the direction of the sky above Greenhouse 1.

With a head-splitting crack, red, white, and gold sparkles illuminated the sky. Even though I had a vague idea what this final moment would entail, James' fireworks still surprised me. At first, the sparkles just floated randomly about the sky. But about three minutes after they had first exploded, the fireworks began to move with a purpose.

James called me over to the side of the greenhouse. From this vantage point, he and Sirius had a clear view of both the fireworks and Lily, who was looking highly suspicious. "Brilliant, eh?" Sirius muttered. "Honestly, if I weren't a bloke…"

"Don't finish that sentence, for my sanity's sake!" I moaned.

Sirius beamed at me. "Jealous, Remsies?"

I shot Sirius the death glare I had picked up from James. Its magnificence was spoiled as James…squealed. Yes, the wondrous James Potter actually squealed. Sirius looked disgusted.

"What the hell, James?" Sirius asked.

"It's about to happen!" James was actually jumping up and down now.

"Oh, God…" Sirius mumbled.

There was another burst of light and a thundering boom. And then the fireworks came together. Slowly but surely, words began to emerge from the sparkles. And they read…

"JP

AND

LE

FOREVER!"

I winced. "God, James, could you get anymore second-grade?"

James just stared lovingly at the fireworks. Sirius kicked me and muttered, "Shut up, half-wit. The poor bloke's obsessed. Hopefully this'll get it out of his system, right? Now be quiet."

I shook Sirius off and turned my gaze to Lily Evans. Her face was tomato red- a sure sign of imminent explosion.

I was right.

"JAMES POTTER!" she roared.

"Better run, mate," Sirius offered. "She looks a bit mad."

James seemed to have some twisted desire to stay and brave it out, but Lily had somehow managed to get a hold of a long, thick metal pipe and she was brandishing it very menacingly.

"Damn!" James swore and tore off towards the castle.

Lily followed him at a run.

"I did it because I love you, Lily!" James called over his shoulder. "Can't you see that!"

"NO!" Lily screamed. "The only 'love' you are going to get is some from this PIPE!"

The Slytherins guffawed. Sirius and I traded a shrug and wandered into Herbology, where we were forced to fend off desperate inquiries from Lily's friends and James' admirers (they were often one and the same, interestingly enough).

We did return to the common room a bit early. Sirius charmed Professor Sprout into letting us out before the end of class. "But we simply must go see our dear friend, Professor," Sirius had whined elegantly. And yes, someone actually can whine elegantly. Sirius has it down to an art.

When we reached the common room, it was in a complete state of disarray. The pillows had been cast about the room, most likely being used to fend off the pipe Lily had mysteriously gotten. Several lamps had been shattered. Lily's pipe had been hurled into the fire, where it cracked ominously.

But there was no sign of Lily or James. We knew better than to try and find Lily- Sirius had discovered within the first week of school that a boy could not get into the girls' dorms. So we trotted up the stairs and located James.

He was a sight. Bruises spotted his arms and legs. His lip and been split. But, bizarrely, he was grinning.

"Why so cheery?" I asked. "It looks like she gave you a sound beating."

Before you think us heartless, read this: Sirius, who was skilled at healing cuts and bruises, had already started to tend to James wounds. Sirius was actually quite talented at healing- he always said that he had learned into on his own, in his parents' house, as a way to survive.

"She said I was the most stubborn, ignorant, insane idiot she had ever met!" James beamed.

"Well, that's one step away from a proposal, isn't it?" Sirius said sarcastically. "You're pathetic, James."

James ignored Sirius.

"James, the common room is a wreck… McGonagall is going to be furious," I commented.

James ignored me, too. And then he uttered the sentence that would become his motto for the rest of his life, until he finally convinced Lily to marry him.

"I'll just try again tomorrow!"

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**Author's Note: Well, it's a bit longer than last week's. You lot know the drill: review!**


	9. Peter and the First Christmas

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Or the song "Rock Lobster".

Author's Note: OK. This is dedicated to my two reviewers, DazzleMeBrilliant and MoonShineMagicSsarer. Thanks so much!

Also: I am aware that, knowing my luck, the song "Rock Lobster" wasn't out during the Marauders' first year. But I'm too lazy to actually do the mathematics to figure out the exact year they were at school, so that's what you're stuck with. If someone with a bigger brain than I would like to figure it out and get back to me on that, well, I'd be forever indebted. :-)

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I can't write much. You all should know by now that I'm not a very good writer. I have to have Remus to edit my entry before we add it to the book, but he's in the hospital. See, James didn't like Remus' last entry. He especially didn't like that it was done while he himself was still hospitalized and couldn't keep an eye on Remus and Sirius. So Remus is currently indisposed. It's nothing serious though. James just hexed Remus from his bed, and then Madam Pomfrey decided to keep Remus in there for a couple of days to "monitor".

So… A memory. I think I'll write about our first Christmas together. That's actually when James and Sirius came up with the name Marauders. The nicknames didn't come until later, of course.

Our first Christmas was spent in the Potter home. Sirius was so excited about getting out of his home for the holidays. Remus was apprehensive, of course. He couldn't come until the morning of Christmas Eve. I stayed the whole holidays, because by then I had become good friends with James, Sirius, and Remus.

I guess I'll narrow this memory down. You see, that holiday was a time of firsts. Especially for Sirius and James. James' dad let them get into the eggnog, which was not a good idea and led to Sirius sudden idea that maybe we should go caroling in the Muggle village. Sadly, that idea was carried out.

Oh. What was I saying? Oh yeah, narrowing this down. I figure that I'll pick the time that James got Remus up on a broomstick. It's pretty funny, and Sirius says that I can't tell the rest of the eggnog/caroling incident. He also says that if I do he'll strangle me, and I really don't want to die.

It was the day before we had to leave for Hogwarts. James had already broken the majority of his presents. But to him, none of that mattered because his dad had given him a new broom. Sirius had to pay for one out of his own pocket- he had asked for all his friends to just give him a bit of money at Christmas, and there were a few relatives who liked him enough to send some money. So we made the trip to Diagon Alley, and Sirius bought the broomstick.

Remus had, up until that day, kept out of the flying. He would sit with me on the grass as Sirius and James zoomed above. But on that Saturday, James and Sirius had planned to get Remus onto James' old broomstick. And after an hour of their flying alone, they came down to try and convince Remus to come flying. They both knew better than to try and convince me: I hate flying and I'm not very good at it.

"Come on, Rems! It'll be fun; all the cool kids are doing it…" Sirius grinned.

"No, Sirius," Remus said wearily.

"Merlin, Remus! Just come flying for a little while!" James said in exasperation. He hated spending valuable flying time on the ground.

"No, James. Absolutely not!" Remus said firmly.

But Sirius had that glint in his eye. It was the look that called to mind a stubborn donkey planting its feet in the dirt. Remus should have know that it would be easier to just say yes of his own accord, before Sirius got involved. Sirius had (and still does) a tendency to get his own way all the time. And when it looks likely that he's going to be opposed: watch out.

"Get up. Now!" Sirius said.

Remus didn't even have a chance to refuse. Sirius had grabbed Remus by the arms. James was laughing maniacally and had called over the spare broom. I just sat there, helpless.

"Okay, I guess I am flying," Remus muttered. Sirius' fingers were still clamped around Remus' arm. Sirius steered Remus toward the broom.

Hang on. Sirius wants to say something "in his defense" about this particular incident…

_Let me set something straight. Remus could have stopped us at any time, but he didn't. After all, he's a better wizard that the two of us, and he just let me and James toss him on a broom. And nothing that happened after that is my fault!_

_-Sirius_

Well. It's obvious that Sirius is pretty worried about how you lot are going to interpret what happened next.

So James and Sirius got Remus onto the broom. Remus reluctantly started to rise into the air as James and Sirius flew in circles around him.

"C'mon, Remus! Don't just hang there!" James said.

Remu shrugged and started to chase James around the field. Remus is actually not a bad flier, but James and Sirius are better. Soon the three were gliding and diving.

"Come get me, Remus!" Sirius called. He then dove into a controlled, perfect dive. This move would save him from Bludgers in the future.

Remus followed Sirius into the dive. But just as Sirius pulled out of the dive, to James' cheers, Remus kept hurtling towards the ground. The impact knocked him from his broom, and he rolled a few feet before stopping. His face was bloodied.

I ran over immediately. Sirius quickly followed, trembling like a leaf. James ran to get his parents.

"It's- it's… just a broken nose. That's all," Sirius spluttered.

Remus' eyes opened. "What happened?"

"You're all right!" I said.

"Yes, but… What happened, Sirius?" Remus asked, struggling to sit up.

"The broom couldn't pull out of the dive quick enough, Remus," Mr. Potter said. He had run over, with James following. "But it's not serious- we're lucky for that."

Remus was fine in the end. He had broken his nose, and the cut on his forehead never completely healed. For their recklessness, James and Sirius were sentenced to scrubbing the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Remus and I managed to eat off of every single plate in the kitchen, laughing as the pile grew to touch the ceiling. Sirius wore a permanent sneer on his face for the last hours of our vacation, and James still swears that his hands are stained a light red from the spaghetti sauce.

Remus' relic from the accident was just a scar on his forehead, about one inch long. It's barely visible these days. But the importance of this event was that it sealed our friendship, more than the pranks we pulled. I was never really in on those, so for me the most important memories are ones like this. Even though we swore ourselves in as Marauders on Christmas Eve, I think it was the Flying Fiasco (James' name for it) that began our friendship.

Sirius wants to say one last thing before I end this…

_Don't hate me, you precious little Moony lovers! Anyways, I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't expect Rems to break his nose or anything, okay? Anyways. I apologized, didn't I, Peter? Well, I did. And I never apologize. I mean, I didn't apologize that one time when I have Bertram Boredstock the purple measles. I didn't apologize when I accidentally cut off Sarah Linder's toes. I never apologized to Jake Flemmer when I charmed him to go around singing "Rock Lobster" by the B-52's all day, did I! And I never apologize to Snivellus! (That would be blasphemous and completely against my way of life!) So don't come after me with an axe or anything sharp. And don't send me any Atomic Fireballs or Acid Pops. And no charmed mirrors. My reflection is beautiful; I know it. I won't fall for THAT trick again. HA!_

Sirius Black, ladies and gentleman. Don't you feel bad that it's blokes like him upon which the fate of society rests?

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Author's Note: Yes, it's about 500 words shorter than usual. You all know I hate writing Peter. I think he's a slimy little worm, but at the same time, I hate writing a character as completely evil even more. So please excuse me if this isn't exactly right... I'm working on it. And, also this chapter is my insurance against the possibility the update being put on the site this Friday, and not Wednesday. But reviews will spur me on. Review!


	10. Sirius the Poetic Slug

**Disc.:** I own nothing.

**Author's Note:** Bear with me through the poem. I really wanted to get this up on Wednesday, and I also was in a poetic mood. I tried something a little different with this chapter at the end, because I really just didn't know how to follow up the poem. So be gentle, please.

Review Response:

DazzleMeBrilliant: Thank you for sympathizing! You better get that one-shot up, buckaroo, because I'm watching! ;-)

MoonShineMagicSsarer: May I call you MSMS? Your name is a bit of a mouthful! Thanks for seeing my point. I promise to work through the Peter chapters diligently!

Snape'smistress-in-law: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like the updates. And I passed the message on to Sirius. He says, "Thanks, babe." ;-)

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I feel that James and Remus should apologize to you lot. After all, they deprived you of my dazzling personality and witty rapport for AGES. But I'm back, so you can breathe easily. I will now proceed to charm you all with a poem I composed for the occasion.

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"52 Girls"

52 girls were there,

Combing and stroking my luxurious hair.

Loved me, did they,

And I loved them too- for a day!

The first was Sue,

Lovely was she, the girl who hated blue!

We dated for an hour,

Until her green eyes lost their power.

Then came Dani,

Her possession was my heart's key.

And my love for her broke down rocks,

Until I changed my heart's locks.

Then there was Kathryn and Catherine,

Oh, and also Katherine,

And then Jesse and Erin

And Bobbi and Jocelyn.

After those seven there was Sam

As meek and mild as a lamb!

She held my gaze for two days

Until I ditched her the Two _C_'s

Their names were Catie and Carrie,

But their brother, Larry,

Got quite angry and knocked my lights out!

He said, "You'll not date that lout!"

So I moved on to Cindy.

But I dumped her for Minnie,

And Minnie got kicked out for Cara.

And then I dated Sarah.

Afterwards I charmed Susannah,

She was from the U. S. of A., in Savannah.

But she got deported from the country,

And I was left alone, to weep by Lee.

After Lee, the names get cloudy-

There was Jordan, Maria, and Josephine, and someone quite rowdy.

There was Alexis, Alexandra, and Corinne,

And some lady who was full of sin!

Now we're halfway there, almost done!

I dated the heir to the throne of Japan-

I think her name was San-San.

I went out with the daughter of a Lord,

But from day one she had me bored.

For awhile I fancied Betty,

But I broke up with her, and she took up with Freddy,

Who's ex-girlfriend, Annie, took up with me,

It's a vicious cycle, don't you see?

I went with Marietta, of the Spanish sort,

But she was called home to mind her da's fort,

And so I comforted myself with Ellen,

Who vaguely resembled a wet hen.

To the School Dance I brought Jamie,

But left in the middle with a gal named Kellie.

Kellie introduced me to Bee,

And that was the last Kellie saw of me.

Then there was Rosaline

And Carolyn

And Lynne

And Professor Binns.

After I recovered from that hurt,

I took Laura from her guy, Bert,

Who came after me with a pipe,

How typical: he was the jealous type.

I went with one girl for a week,

But she was not what I did seek.

Her name was Belinda, and I can't lie:

Fat and lumpy was her thigh.

However, Terri had nice legs,

But I forgot her over a few kegs,

And she attempted to have me thrown from school-

What a fool!

Only ten more: we're even closer to being done!

Soon after I dated Ellie

And her Housemate, Shelley.

I tried to get along with a pretty Slytherin,

But I hexed her, and she went out with poor Michael Finn.

I utilized my judgment and went with a Gryffindor,

Her name was Elise and I did adore

The way she shrieked at me when I left her

For Fleur.

Then there was Danielle the athlete,

She could play Quidditch, and it was no small feat!

After all, she was as big as a house,

And she would hit me and call me a louse.

I wised up and ditched her for Alexa,

But soon she got the "nexta!"

And I dated her sister,

Who had a really big blister.

Then there was Bridget,

Who threw quite a fit,

When I explained I liked Cora,

Who I dated until I met another gal named Laura!

And then… Oh wait, that's the end.

Well, will you be my next girlfriend?

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Thank you! I know, I'm an excellent poet. HEY! REMUS LUPIN, DO NOT---

_Oh, god. I'm so sorry you had to read all that. That poem ought to be titled, "The Egotistical Exploits of an Egomaniac"!_

I resent that. Lupin wrenched the pen from my brilliant hand. And when I tried to take it back, he…he…

_I slapped him. So?_

THIS IS MY ENTRY, REMUS! BACK OFF—

_What if I don't want to? I like watching your face turn purple. It's entertainment._

How did you get in here, anyways? I thought you were in the Hospital Wing.

_I got out. Then I hexed James. He'll be in there for another week._

That's very rude of you Remus.

ANYWAYS. This is my entry. I was going to continue my poem, after all. See, there's another 76 girls to go!

_Why don't you line up the readers in front a firing squad, you freak._

God, Remus. You're particularly feisty today.

_Yes, I am. James put chili peppers in my potion this morning._

Oh. I thought it was just that time of month.

_WHAT?_

Interpret it as you wish, my friend. I on the other hand will be RECLAIMING MY TERRITORY!

As I was saying: The other 76 girls! There was Louise, and Jackie, and Crystal, and Juliana, and Patty, and Florence…

I WAS JUST KIDDING REMUS! THERE WAS NO REASON TO HURL AN ARITHMANCY TEXT AT MY HEAD.

God. Remus is just being snooty because I'm better looking. Whatever. I completely lost my train of thought.

OH GOD…HELPP---

_Five days later…_

_It's Remus here. Sorry Sirius never finished this entry. And sorry about that weird brown stain next to Sirius' plea for help. I accidentally turned him into a slug. He's in the hospital wing right now. Madam Pomfrey wouldn't even let me see him until yesterday. She said that every time my name was mentioned his eyes started to pop out of his head and he would start screaming. And when I went and saw him yesterday, he and Madam Pomfrey made me sign a contract that states that I'll never interrupt him while he's writing an entry._

_Yeah, right._

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Thank you so much for bearing with me through that! I'll most likely never do anything like that again. But I will admit that I was suffering some writer's block. I have to think on the next entry, which will probably be James. Please review!


	11. Peter the Goat, the Beginnings

**Disclaimer: Never have, never will.**

**Shameless Plug: I put up two one shots a few days ago. One of them, "An Essay On Werewolves & Friends" has gotten three reviews. The other one, "Nobody Likes and Early Bird", has gotten none. Want to fix that? ;-)**

**Author's Note: EXAMS ARE OVER! Yay. Anyways, this chapter was hard for me to write. I haven't done a Memory Book update in a while, so it was slow going. For any of you that read my profile, I decided to ditch that idea in favor of this one. Enjoy!**

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James here. I'm going to tell you the tale of Peter the Goat. It was our third year at Hogwarts. I was looking particularly dashing. My hair was properly scruffy. Every girl in the room was watching my lithe muscular body. I was-

Anyways. Sirius reminded me that this is not the forum for a discussion on my (incredible) good looks. After all, that's why I created the Potter Weekly, which is a little leaflet I send out weekly to my fan club members.

So we were all lazing about in the common room, ignoring everyone else as usual. I had a stolen Snitch to play with, Remus was attempting to do some homework, and Sirius was idly watching a cluster of third year girls. Peter was, as usual, watching me.

"Merlin, Peter. How can you have eyes for only James the Incredible Bighead? Especially when we have such fine examples of feminine beauty right before our eyes?" Sirius asked casually.

"But-" Peter clapped at a particularly nice catch of mine. "I couldn't ever do that!"

Sirius had already turned his full attention to the girls. "Do what?" he asked.

Peter squealed at one of my saves. Sirius' concentration was broken once again. "Shut up, Peter," he growled. Sirius picked up one of his advanced Transfiguration books. He had stolen it from the library the other day in hopes of finding a spell to turn Snape into a greasy little bat.

Sirius' face took on a sly grin. "Hey, Peter…" Sirius drew his wand from a pocket.

Peter tore his eyes away from yours truly. "Yeah, Sirius?"

And all the sudden there was a FLASH of light and a CRACK of thunder.

"Oh, hell…" Sirius said, attempting to keep a straight face. "I messed it up…"

"Messed what up, Sirius?" Remus asked from behind his stack of books. He looked at the spot where Peter had been sitting. "Sirius! What did you do?"

Peter was gone. In his place, there was a…Goat?

"Well," Sirius explained patiently, "I meant to turn him into a pig. He was squeaking like one. But I bungled it up some how."

"I'll tell you how!" Remus muttered angrily, wringing his hands. "You're a THIRD-YEAR!"

"So?"

"Well, Sirius, this is advanced magic!" By now the girls were giggling at the sight of Peter the Goat. I was lazily observing the scene, and I saw no need to jump into the fray. Remus was pissed.

"So?" Sirius repeated. "I'm a fair hand at Transfiguration."

"Not that good!" Remus exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Actually, this is better than the last time I attempted human Transfiguration! I turned some little first-year into a fish by accident."

Remus put his head in his hands. "James, why did you let him do this?"

"Me?" I said, shocked. "It was all Sirius' idea, Remus."

"It was," Sirius confirmed proudly.

Remus looked hopelessly around the common room. The group of girls were whispering excitedly. Sirius spared them a grin before he turned his full attention to Remus.

"We'll have to take him to McGonagall," Remus said.

"No, we won't," Sirius argued.

"Can you fix this?"

"Nope."

Peter baaed.

"Then we have to take Peter to McGonagall!"

Sirius snorted. "Have fun with that."

Remus grinned dangerously and grabbed Sirius' hair. "You're coming too. You're going to do ALL the explaining."

"Ow, Remus! Let go of my hair!" The girls were now pointing and laughing. "You could have just asked, Remus!"

Peter the Goat trailed after them.

Remus came back a few hours later, looking worn out. "Hey, James."

"Hey. Where's Sirius? And Peter?"

"Sirius has one hundred hours of detention to do, so he's starting today. Peter is recovering in the Hospital Wing, and planning his revenge."

"Revenge? Well then, Remus, what are we doing sitting here?"

"You want to help Peter out?"

"Of course."

Remus paused for a moment. "Let's do it!"

----

The only sign that Peter had morphed into a furry little barnyard creature was an oddly shaped nose, large brown eyes, and a tail that he refused, point-blank, to show us. Pomfrey looked pissed that we had forced our entrance- or maybe she was just mad that Sirius hadn't joined us. She had a bit of a soft spot for him, and that's an understatement.

"Ten minutes, boys," she said.

"Sure," Remus replied. We joined Peter.

"So what do you have in mind, mate?" I asked Peter.

He rattled off a few ideas. They had no merit. If we had been dealing with anybody but Padfoot, they might have worked. But Peter's ideas were too simple. Sirius would see right through any of them.

"We could put eggs in his bed," Peter offered up, defeated.

Remus cocked an eyebrow. "Eggs?"

"Honestly, Peter, why are we friends with you? Eggs?" I asked in an astonished voice.

"I always thought it was for my stunning good-looks and subtle wit," Peter retorted sullenly.

"Whatever floats your boat, Petey. Let's get down to business."

Remus raised his head from his hands. "You had an idea this entire time and you STILL allowed us to be tormented by fifty-six of Peter's pathetic ideas?"

"Hey! They were only twenty ideas, thank you very much," Peter said, enraged.

"And they weren't pathetic," he added as an afterthought.

I placed my hands in my lap and patiently waited for Moony to discontinue his rant.

"James, I think I lost ten I.Q. points during that! I mean, honestly! The best idea out of that bunch was turning Sirius' trunk in a bowl of pudding and having him step into it!" Remus finished. If you think Moony was being a bit harsh, well, you're right. But he had this huge book about the original founders of Hogwarts up in his room, stashed away, and I could tell he was dying to read it.

"Be quiet, Remus. Peter's ideas weren't that bad."

"It was Jell-O, not pudding!" Peter interjected haughtily.

I sighed. "OK, they were that bad. But my idea is BETTER!"

Remus looked skeptical.

"It could use a bit of polishing up, though," I said, looking pointedly at Remus, who beamed. "And a few personal touches," I said, nodding to Peter who looked satisfied.

"Here's how it works," I said, and began my long, brilliant, detailed explanation.

Anyhow- that's where I break off my explanation. Remus is bouncing up and down, trying to wrench the quill from me. Since I'm so good at detected other people's subtle feelings, I think he's trying to tell me that he would like to finish off the story in his next installment.

Being the kind, gentle, handsome soul that I am, I'll let him.

Well, I am handsome. And my hand is tired. So you'll have to wait until next time.

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**Read and review! Sorry that it's on the shorter side.**

**Next chapter: "Peter the Goat and His Revenge"**

**Due: Next week- hopefully.**


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